Unity: a poem inspired by Martyn Bradbury

[A point of clarification: this poem does not represent my views. Every line is a direct quote from Martyn Bradbury’s blogs over the past years. This post is intended to highlight his views and manner of expressing himself.]

After a weekend of checking Martyn “Bomber” Bradbury’s latest diatribes – against women’s marches, Green Party voters, liberals, cyclists, the Labour Party, tourists, millennials, Nazi punchers, identity politics and Guy Williams – for personal attacks against myself or my union comrades, I decided this whimsical thought-experiment-slash-poem, assembled over an idle evening or two, deserved to see the light of day. It amused me to make it; I hope it amuses people who have been abused by New Zealand’s greatest leftwing blogger to read it.

Presented with no apologies; these were Martyn Bradbury’s own words, even if some of them have since been unceremoniously deleted.

“Unity”

or

“#ifthisishowthelefttreatallieshowwilltheytreatyou?”

having to put up with the puerile ravings of a hypocrite
is a tad tedious.

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Last night Giovanni Tiso and Russel Brown launched a twitter attack
a tsunami of abuse by the Emerald Stormtroopers and aesthetic left of Labour

If a house be divided against itself, that house cannot stand.
God these people are clowns.

The Left is its own worst enemy
the Left hates itself
the Left looks for traitors
the Left will simply bicker

It’s not the message of the Left
it’s the deeply flawed messengers the Left keep hiring
as self important as Giovanni Tiso
as alienating as the PSA Wellington comms team
mixed with the tediously smug insight of Simon Wilson

Maybe it’s living in Wellington,
undeservingly smug
absolutely positively passive aggressive.

maybe it’s living with a Green Party staff member,
those Green Party staffers who love to cyber bully
Hipsters with ambition and top knots
as sociable as a militant vegan in a battery cage chicken café

THIS IS SATIRE – NO NEED TO PROSECUTE – THIS IS SATIRE – NO NEED TO PROSECUTE

The EPMU doesn’t storm the barricades, they knock politely
so tinder dry that they make the PSA look like a clown college.
they wonder why the CTU can’t create more solidarity

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This is why you can’t trust Labour and the Greens
the total lack of political vision
too frightened to anger the PSA
the battle of the teeth
the naked ambition of Julie Anne Genter
a recipe for friction and disunity.

THIS IS SATIRE – NO NEED TO PROSECUTE – THIS IS SATIRE – NO NEED TO PROSECUTE

If only Kim had heeded my advice
personal ambition and ego politics always trump what’s best for NZ.

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Twitter can be rough
a boutique shop down a tiny alleyway
for Militant Free Bleeders and Beard Glitter aficionados
screams of ‘hate monger’ if someone gets the wrong pronoun
fucking worthless as a political measurement tool

outside the tiny little alienating echo chamber
the impenetrable little echo chamber
the Emerald Stormtroopers
are itching to start a schism of religious proportions.

just accept some people are simply mean
there’s a block button for a reason

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Russell Brown called The Spinoff the future of journalism
the supposed saviour of journalism
glitter bearded hipsters and middle class Blue Green wankers
new gatekeepers, policing language, identity and self interest for millennials
Their standard
about as high as your average beauty blog
Cash for copy
with all the charm of a modern day witch hunt
more like the youth wing of the Property Council than a social justice movement
like a little of Wellington in Auckland. Ugh.

And then there are the Millennials.
the first user pays generation
Me first cultural norms mixed with narcissistic social media
Without an idealogical compass
they are all going to the Greens

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a 23 year old crying on social media
some interchange she had with a rich white bloke
inside a snobbery winery
that’s front page fucking news?

I’m not allowed to have an opinion on the feels of a 23 year old woman
A 23 year old Millennial performing a classic over share moment
crying on social media

but if I was allowed an opinion

fake news at its most divisive
bullshit social media pile ons
liberals in social media bubbles
pointless alienating self-aggrandisement.
petty in comparison
alienating to everyone outside their echo chamber.
who actually cares beyond Twitter

one week of screaming racist
Longer than it took God to make the Universe folks.

a 23 year old woman who cried on social media
the feels of the preciously middle class
classic run-of-the-mill-middle-class-emotional-millenial-over-share

we gots us a girl in bubble wrap folks

Upset and tearful?
Over that?
Upset and tearful?
I’d imagine the children of Aleppo were upset and tearful.

let’s take her at her word
she was in fact upset and tearful

But again
I’m not allowed to have an opinion

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urban males
made to feel guilty for having a penis inside the Labour or the Greens.
this fragile ego
the perception that their privilege has been eroded
a frightened male sub culture that has to be gently coaxed
You can’t get shit done if you don’t have white males on board.

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oh come on Comrade
it’s the election year for Christ’s sake!
If we want progressive change
put aside the righteous anger
Rather than flinch and react angrily
understand where the anger is coming from
take less personal insult from righteous anger

you sanctimonious little arsehole.

[A point of clarification: this poem does not represent my views. Every line is a direct quote from Martyn Bradbury’s blogs over the past years. This post is intended to highlight his views and manner of expressing himself.]

Untroll Thursday: Amazing JPL posters

Inspired by Megan MacKay, Thursdays are #UnTrollTheInternet Day, when we uplift the positive stuff on the internet to remind ourselves that this amazing global platform we share doesn’t have to be a force for vileness.

jpl venus poster

Damn, that’s pretty.

And – because the internet can indeed be a lovely place – that poster, and many others like it, are available online and free for you to print, courtesy of NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory.

Ain’t the internet a lovely place?

Untroll Thursday: Captain Awkward

Inspired by Megan MacKay, Thursdays are #UnTrollTheInternet Day, when we uplift the positive stuff on the internet to remind ourselves that this amazing global platform we share doesn’t have to be a force for vileness.

Captain Awkward is an online advice column which provides refreshingly good advice. It’s not that she tells you to reject all social obligcations and live a free life on a libertarian cruise ship; but she will remind you that it’s up to you to decide whether or not those social obligations are a net benefit or net harm to your health.

I get a little evangelist about her, and have even mimicked her style on occasion.

She’s every “but you have to come to Christmas dinner, it’s family tradition!”-complaining relative’s worst nightmare.

At 830+ letters answered and counting, CA can be a bit intimidating for newbies. Fortunately there is a handy FAQ covering core questions like how to start relationships, end relationships, deal with creeps in your social circles, and avoid the dreaded Darth Vader boyfriend.

Reading Captain Awkward has done wonders for my psychological and emotional health. Another fantastic thing brought to you by the internet.

DUKE: I have questions

[Content note: sexism, transphobia]

I am not outraged, offended, nor trying to censor FREEZEPEACH when it comes to TVNZ’s newly-announced channel, DUKE.

I’m just … puzzled.

I’m puzzled about whether this is a Man Channel or not.

When first announced, though yet unnamed, TVNZ’s marketing was entirely clear:

TVNZ announces new free-to-air channel aimed specifically at men

The channel’s content has been specifically chosen to resonate with a male audience, after market analysis indicated male viewers were seeking “more distinctive content”.

But then you look at the lineup of shows, including Agent Carter, Gotham and Brooklyn Nine-Nine, all shows celebrated for diverse interesting casts and complex storytelling and critique of traditional male-focused storytelling – and you think, “in what way is this a lineup skewed towards men?”

But then they told us it was called DUKE and everyone went “okay so it sounds like a slang term for shit combined with a Lynx deodorant fragrance, pretty manly.” And TV One referred to the new channel as their “little brother”.

But then they insisted via Twitter that this was all a misunderstanding and of course girls would be allowed in the clubhouse.

And then they rolled out the hilarious transphobic advertising.

duke transphobia

See, it’s funny because they aggressively marketed themselves as a channel for men and then people thought this was excluding women but then someone made a joke about forcing people to live as the wrong gender which is hilarious because lol trans people.

So it’s a man channel for manly men, and my thoughts when TVNZ first announced it seem pretty on the nose:

I’m puzzled as to who the heck thought this was a good idea.

Although Alex Casey of The Spinoff has some great suggestions.

I’m puzzled about the weird naivete of TVNZ’s market researchers.

That first announcement was just weird – apparently men are looking for “more distinctive content” than women, who presumably like bland boring pap content.

Then there’s this defence of DUKE’s targeting from Jeff Latch of TVNZ:

“When you look at all of the big networks, they’re all female focused, female-skewed.”

“This one swings the other way,” he said.

“TV2 has a female-to-male ratio of about 60:40, TVOne and TV3 are at about 55:45 whereas Prime, aside from events like the Rugby World Cup, is more 50:50.”

I am not a social scientist but good gravy there are problems with this line of “reasoning”. Like the fact women are a majority of the population, and we’re a demographic more likely to be at home during the day watching TV because of patriarchy.

It doesn’t follow at all that this means current TV content is deliberately “skewed” towards women viewers. Has TVNZ really created an entirely new channel because a couple of dudes in focus groups complained that they were sick of their girlfriend watching The Bachelor all the time?

I’m puzzled by how massively they missed the point.

Here’s the thing. Free-to-air TV is struggling around the world, for many reasons, including illegal downloading and legal streaming services. But people do still watch TV. On the exact same day TVNZ announced they were launching a Man Channel I was whining on Twitter because I nearly missed the latest episode of Supergirl on TV2 due to crummy advertising and a MySky botch.

You know what’s going to drive me to download shows? When I miss them on free-to-air because you don’t make it easy for me to know what’s on. Or when you don’t show them at all.

Look at the “distinctive content” TVNZ was seeking for DUKE. Look at NFL, professional wrestling, Brooklyn Nine Nine, Gotham, Agent Carter (I’m ignoring the ridiculous men-with-heavy-machinery offerings because I already fill that need with Gold Rush). First off, this is basically a channel designed for me and we all know I’m a rabid man-hating feminist.

Secondly … this is exactly the kind of content our free-to-air channels should have been showing for years but haven’t. Sorry for the overuse of italics, but I could’ve told TVNZ that this was the kind of content they needed to be showing off the top of my head.

It’s so easy to blame streaming and downloads, but the fact is that free-to-air primetime TV in New Zealand has been, in recent years, a quagmire of cooking shows, cooking shows, renovation shows, terrible NZ knockoffs of American dating shows, cooking shows, terrible NZ knockoffs of American talent shows which we pioneered in the first place, renovation shows, and endless reruns of Friends, The Simpsons, and Everybody Loves Raymond.

Gosh, why would people switch off that magnificent bounty?

Now you offer cutting-edge comedy, massive pop culture icons, and previously-unavailable sports events … and you bloody ruin it by playing juvenile “ew girls are gross, we need to hide in our man-caves watching man-shows with our man-friends” games?

alison brie argh

TVNZ, my darling. You didn’t need to market DUKE as “a channel for manly men with their distinctive man interests”. You just need to tell people “Hey! Here are a bunch of sports you love, which have never been free-to-air. Here’s a selection of premium TV shows at a minimal delay from their US broadcast, which you’ll put up with for the convenience of not having to find a good torrent or canvass Twitter to figure out which streaming service has it.”

Here’s my dilemma. DUKE may well be a success, despite its erratic and confusing marketing, because it contains good content. Which will just reinforce this ridiculous idea that in 2016, we need to cling to a black-and-white gender binary to sell products.

I want to be optimistic though. Maybe they’ll pull a season-2 “replace the main actor and introduce a cute child character” rebrand at some point and DUKE will become TVNZ Awesome or something like that.

I will be wanting a cut, though.

(Please note: Not all men have penises, not everyone with a penis is a man, gender isn’t a binary, and that’s the entire problem!)